Change isn’t loud. It’s very quiet. Like eerie, you have to be really paying attention to notice quiet. It wasn’t me waking up one day having an epiphany and change suddenly happened. It was small decisions I made every day that overtime accumulated, and once I built enough of those decisions, I was able to look back and see how different things actually were. It takes patience to change. Something I wasn’t well versed in. Human beings naturally don’t like change. We like the comfort of the things we’re used to, but secretly we crave change. We pray for it. We know deep down, we need it, but we’re too scared to commit to it. The unknown, the what ifs plague our every thought to the point we just decide not to move. But what if we decide to take the first step? What if instead of running away from the fear, we lean into it. We attack it and face it head on.
I decided to take the first steps and boy, have I stumbled my way blindly into small changes, but changes, nonetheless. Change is hard. It’s like you want change without actually wanting to change if that makes sense? The trick is to choose your hard wisely. I’m reading the book “The Road Less Traveled,” and the very first line is, “Life is difficult.” If that ain’t the damn truth. It’s not meant to be easy and every choice we make paves the path of this thing called life. Let me hit you with one more cliche motivational quote before we get to the good stuff. It’s all about the journey. You ever noticed when you hit your target, the moment is never as sweet as you thought it would be? You get a small dose of the high you were chasing, and then before you know it, the moment is over. That’s the point, it’s not about the end game, it’s about the thousand steps you took in order to get there. The lessons learned, the good moments, the terrible moments, and everything in between. That’s the good stuff.
I started tracking daily habits about a year ago. I wasn’t very consistent with them and there were a lot of periods where I barely did any of them for weeks. When I started getting serious about my recovery, I wanted to give the daily habits app another go. This time, I decided not to try and aim for perfection on the list. Instead, I made myself a deal, I can skip one day on a habit, but I cannot skip two. I also made it a goal to do the habits with more intention. Before, I would go through the motions of the habits just so I could cross it off my list, but I wasn’t really reaping the benefits of the meaning behind the habit. That ended up being the major difference in actually seeing a difference from them.
If you’re looking to make a daily habits list, think of what your goal is first. For me, I wanted to become the best version of myself and focus on my physical and mental health. Some of the habits I put on my list were: gratitude first thing in the morning, meditating, eating some fruit, eating a vegetable, writing or journaling, reading, walking four days a week. Just to give you a few ideas to get started. One thing that helped me get them all done throughout the day was habit stacking. First thing in the morning, I would wake up and say a little prayer of gratitude for another day and another opportunity. I prayed for guidance and strength and surrendered my control for things out of my control. Right after, I would meditate. I would take a few minutes of my morning to set intentions and notice my thoughts and bring myself into the present moment. Then, I would take out my journal and write about thoughts that came up during meditation, a gratitude list, my worries, anything really that I felt I needed to get out. That right there started my morning with a good chunk of my habits done within the first thirty minutes to an hour of being up.
What I noticed over time of sticking with these habits AND doing them with intention were moments where I used to freak out didn’t seem so serious to me anymore. There was calmness and peace instead. Like on my drive to work at 6 o’clock in the morning: the lanes are open, and two drivers want to drive right next to each other and go the exact same speed (which is conveniently 5 below the speed limit) used to drive me bat shit crazy ten out of ten times. Now, it’s more like three out of ten times. Keep in mind, if you scroll up a few paragraphs, I’ve only admitted to small changes. However, a win is a win. I will stack those up until one day it no longer pisses me off. I’ve also noticed I’ve been more present in life lately. I’m able to hold better conversations and be a better nurse because my mind isn’t constantly bouncing around and when it does, I have tools I can use to reel it back in. Small, consistent changes like this are what eventually lead to huge differences.
I’ve begun to realize that things out of my control aren’t worth stressing over and what you focus on you become. No wonder I was uptight and angry all the time. I was focusing on the wrong things! I am no where near perfect when it comes to practicing these realizations, but I think acknowledging it is always a good first step. Any step in the right direction, no matter how small, is still a step in the right direction. Whenever I catch myself slipping or having a mood or letting old ways of thinking win, I remind myself this isn’t what who you want to become would act like, and I redirect myself. It works, most of the time. I’m still learning and figuring out how to let old parts of me I didn’t like go. I think I will always be working on this, but it’s a journey I’m committed to, and I know will be worthwhile.
The power is in the rewrite. Here’s to redefining priorities, embracing life, and healing out loud.
Xo-J
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