If I come out of this having learned one thing, I hope that its how to love harder. I’ve written this down a hundred times and it’s something that flashes in my thoughts daily. I grew up without my mother, she passed away when I was three years old. So for me, I’ve always felt like I was missing that tenderness and loving quality that comes from being raised watching and learning from a loving mother. This was one of my thought processes that held me back from pursuing a serious relationship or having children, but that’s a tangent for another time. What I want to address now is that I was very, very wrong. The ability to love comes from within. It’s something we are all very capable of and should strive to become. Maybe I was so broken inside prior to having a stroke, it took something catastrophic for me to try and put it back together. I will say, it’s been very worth it to try.
I don’t remember a time when I told my dad I love you out loud, but now I say it frequently. I always felt like the world owed me something because it took something so precious away from me too soon, when I was so young, so I was always looking at what’s in it for me instead of just doing kind acts for the goodness of doing them. To put in bluntly, I was a selfish bitch a lot of the time. Often times, I was looking at things with the wrong point of view. Writing these facts down is a bit embarrassing and humbling for me because you wouldn’t have caught me dead admitting these things before. I would’ve taken these secrets to the grave because that’s never the type of person I wanted to be, but it was who I was.
When you’re looking to change, it can bring the ugliest version of you up front and center. You have to be brutally honest so you can let go of that version and make space for the person you want to be. I was feeling really lonely right before I had my stroke. I had drifted away from my friend group I’d had for years, didn’t have anyone that I thought cared all that much about me. I didn’t really have a person if that makes sense. No one who chose me first. I was living a really secluded life.
Once my family, few friends, and people from work got word of what happened I started to realize I wasn’t alone, I was causing myself to feel alone. People were constantly checking in on me throughout my recovery, offering to do things like pick up food from the grocery store or drive me to appointments, dropping off meals, or just coming to visit and sit with me. It was an overwhelming feeling of support and it opened my eyes to how fortunate I actually was. It also made me realize I wanted to be more of the type of person these people were being for me to the people in my life.
I want to love harder and be a better person. I want to stop leaning into the thought of being lonely and realizing it’s in my hands to build relationships that are worth investing in. No one owes me anything. I owe these things to myself. If I want to have a better relationship with my dad or better relationships in general, be a better daughter, friend, sister. Talk to them like actually talk to them, tell them about the things that are going good and the things I’m struggling with, be for others what I want people to be for me. It only took me having a stroke to realize that being a good person is really simple when you think about it.
I am loving this new journey of mine and I’m loving seeing the difference it’s making on my life. I have more joy and peace, and less lonliness and darkness. It’s a pretty good trade off if you ask me. I’m still learning, obviously, this is a new venture for me so there’s still a long way to go. I’m always looking at who I want to become, the woman I want to be and if I’m making the choices she would make. If not, then I know changes or better choices need to be made. Sometimes, it’s hard to picture exactly who I want to be, but I know for sure what I don’t want to be and that’s just as good of a guide. I hope I always continue choosing loving harder and continuing to becoming the best version of myself.
The power is in the rewrite. Here’s to redefining priorities, embracing life, and healing out loud.
Xo-J
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