In the Eyes of a Child
As a kid, you look at adults like they have all the answers. You dream of those days: you make the rules, there’s no one to boss you around. It’s so easy and you can’t wait to get there. It seems like this magical, unreachable place. All adults have it all together, all the time. They know what they’re doing because well, they’re adults. Until you finally get to adulthood, and you’re asking yourself a hundred times a day What the fuck am I doing? I started evaluating my own life and saw how much didn’t go the way I planned. I came to terms with how much I’ve majorly fucked up, and how much I thought I knew, but really didn’t. A change of perspective was rising in me, and it made me soften my edges to my family and the people around me. I realized that like me, it’s their first time doing life, too. It was a welcome to adulthood moment.
There are two ways that the phrase “it’s their first time doing life, too” has really changed my life. One, it’s made me understand better that no one really has any of the answers to life, and we’re all just winging it. And two, it’s made me appreciate the good moments of life through my own eyes and the eyes of people around me because there’s magic in those moments that need to be cherished.
I spent a good portion of my life, passing a lot of judgment on my dad for how he did things. I held a grudge and a ton of resentment toward him for a very, very long time. How I thought he should’ve done things differently, should’ve done things better. Even my older siblings, I would judge them because I thought one way and they did another. I had to grow up faster than a lot of other kids. I handled a lot on my own, so I thought I knew it all without having any actual life experience.
Not Always How it Seems
As an adult, I see now that my dad’s life hasn’t been easy, not by a long shot. He’s been through so much. He came to another country all by himself at a very young age, started a family, had four kids, lost his wife, and had to figure out life from there. I couldn’t even imagine it. He’s so strong, and I was selfish for being so hard on him. I feel guilty for the time and energy I wasted being so angry with him when he was just doing the best he could with the situation he was given.
It’s easy to know from experience now that life is hard for everyone. We’re all just out here trying to survive. We’re all worried that we’re doing things wrong or we’re not enough. I’m grateful I was able to realize I was being too harsh on my dad. I learned that forgiveness was beneficial for both of us. Especially since he’s getting older, I want to enjoy the moments I have with him, and not stress on the could’ve, should’ve, would’ve of the past. I know how he probably had to put on a strong front a lot of the time. I remember times when he would constantly pace, or yell at us, or be sleeping all day after working twenty night shifts in a row. I’m sure sometimes he felt like his world was crumbling in those moments and he held all that weight on his own. It breaks my heart knowing what he’s had to go through, and I was just a little kid hating on her dad because I didn’t know any better. Do I think my dad could have made better decisions? Yes. Do I continue to hold that over his head? No.
I have similar stories with my siblings, and other people in my life. Moments where I thought I knew better than them. Moments where I couldn’t see situations from their perspective, but only from my own. I was wrong in these moments. There’s always more than one side to a story and most of the time, there’s truth in every version.
This is where transformation initially started for me. I saw how harsh I’d been toward my family, and it blossomed to other areas of my life. It’s been a refreshing change of pace to give people grace and has definitely lightened my load. You don’t really realize how heavy some of the things you hold onto are until you let them go. I’ve started to build stronger relationships. It’s made me a better person. I’m happier and more peaceful. I’m less bitter and hold less anger and resentment. I’m more understanding and I’m a better listener.
Beautiful Things
Seeing my dad happy nowadays, seeing him smile or laugh, there’s no better feeling for me than that. These are moments I crave more of now because it’s his first time doing life, too, and I want him, and everyone I love to have as many moments like that as humanly possible. We’re only human and we make mistakes, but the mistakes we make don’t define us forever. You can choose to continue being angry for things that hurt you in the past, or you can choose to stop letting those memories have so much power over you. Understanding the simple idea that it’s their first time doing life too will open your eyes to seeing that none of us really know what we’re doing. It will also help you savor the special moments a little harder.
The lessons I’ve learned from this simple realization, I will carry for the rest of my days. First, forgive people. Most of the time it does more for you than it does for them. We tend to want to overcomplicate things, but trust me when I say, your life will be so much better when you start tackling this obstacle.
Second, look in the mirror before passing judgment. Oftentimes, in the past, I’ve chosen to judge others for their choices before I take accountability of my own wrong doings. You can always connect the dots better looking back. When I look back, I see I’ve made many really poor decisions. I’ve hurt people. I’ve been a bad friend, sister, daughter, and partner. I’ve treated people poorly. I’ve been selfish. I can go on and on, but the fact is we all carry a long list like this gives us no right to judge others.
Third, you have to accept people for who they are. You can’t control them. You have to let them figure things out for themselves. Sometimes, we meet people and we feel like we can change them. They would be perfect if only they fill in the blank. Stop. You won’t change them. If you want someone in your life, you must accept and meet them where they are. No ifs, ands, or buts on this one. Someone will only change if they want to, not if you want them to.
Lastly, savor the sweet moments. The moments that we wish to last a little longer. The moments when you see someone you love genuinely enjoying life and all it has to offer. Hang on to those moments. Those are the moments that make life worth living.
Redefining My Why
When I look at my family, especially my nieces and nephews, it always makes me think Oh my God, where has the time gone? We will never be as young as we are now ever again. Experiencing life with this new perspective has redefined my why. I want to spend my time making beautiful memories with the beautiful people in my life. I spent far too much time focusing on the wrong things; I’m not where I want to be, things didn’t turn out the way I expected them to, they should’ve done this, reliving moments of hurt and pain just to have a reason to be angry. Life is full of horrible things, but it’s also filled with some really great things if you take time to notice them.
Moral of the story: Give people a break. Focus on what matters and cherish the moments. It’s that simple. Understanding that no one has it together, and we’re all struggling in one way or another should almost bring us a sense of comfort because we’re not alone. We’re all very much in this together. Whenever you have moments of uncertainty remember it’s their first time doing life, too.
The proof is in the rewrite. Here’s to redefining priorities, embracing life, and healing out loud.
Xo-J.
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