I was home and on a leave of absence from work for three whole months after I was discharged from the hospital. Sounds like a dream come true, right? Not even close. The first week, I was barely getting up and walking around. I had to use a walker, and I live in a townhouse, so I needed help even just getting up and down the stairs. Simple, daily things like doing the dishes or moving the laundry, even taking a shower was so daunting, and took every ounce of energy I had to do. It honestly felt like I was a prisoner in my own body.
Slowly, but surely, everyday things started getting easier. Things felt like they were getting back to normal. Then, because I always have my eyes set on a new goal, I started to have these big plans that I was going to do something miraculous with the rest of my time off. I was going to start a business, or find a cure for something, or find a new source of income that was going to change my life. I did none of the above. I think I got stuck in a mindset of not wasting the time off. Looking back, it’s really kind of harsh that I put that kind of pressure on myself because recovering from a stroke is a big enough goal. At that point, probably around the six-week mark, yes, I was getting better and making great progress, but not even close to my baseline. After a stroke, your body will get tired quickly, but even more, your brain will get tired. Simple PT exercises would make me feel so fatigued and drained. Literally, after doing high knees and balancing for five seconds on each leg, I would have to sit down and relax for a few. You have to listen to your body and allow it to rest. You have to learn to find the balance between pushing yourself and knowing when you’re overdoing it. You are literally rewiring your brain and teaching it things it once knew how to do but no longer does. That takes time, and more importantly, patience (a word that was not previously in my vocabulary). I had to learn to give myself grace and knowing that if I got tired or short of breath after a 10-minute walk, that was okay. I was setting bigger goals daily and as long as I was going in the right direction, that was enough.
My return-to-work date grew near, and I did none of those things that I set out to do. Unfortunately, I hadn’t started a million-dollar business. I didn’t cure a disease, and I didn’t find a second source of income, but you know what I did do? I got better, and I made huge strides in my recovery. I’m proud of myself for coming to the conclusion that although it looked different than I expected, I did do something miraculous with my time off. When we set goals, oftentimes we struggle when we don’t achieve them. We can think less of ourselves, feel like complete failures, but honestly, “failure” is the only way we can actually transform. We learn from those so-called failures, change our strategy, and keep going forward.
I remember, maybe a week after I came home, my sister came to visit and help me for the weekend. I wanted to attempt to walk outside and get some fresh air. I laced up my shoes (then I had to take a 5-minute break because that tuckered me out). And we made it outside. I was able to walk down the driveway and make it a few townhouses down before I had to turn around and go back inside. I was so defeated. Now, three months later I’m going on a two mile walk every day. I’ve made it through my first two weeks back at work doing 12-hour shifts on light duty, but still on my feet, kicking ass, and looking back, I am tremendously proud of how far I’ve come. I couldn’t wait to be where I’m at now when I went for that walk outside with my sister three months ago. In today’s world, we can want to rush things (like starting a million-dollar business in 6 weeks), but beautiful things and things worthwhile take time.
One day, I will start a million-dollar business, but the three months I had off wasn’t the time for that. It was time for me to get better, to do my physical therapy, rebuild my stamina, work on my balance, be able to do household things, gain confidence to drive and go to a store again, and I can honestly say I used that time wisely. I’ve learned a lot about how to look at life differently and how to live differently since I’ve had my stroke. One thing I will hold near, and dear is that slowing down is a beautiful thing.
In the slow moments you get to celebrate the small victories. You appreciate the people who text or call to check in on you more. You are grateful to wake up in the morning and be able to move your body. You realize that worrying about things that are out of your control is a complete waste of time. You learn to accept that when you are doing your best and if you are becoming better even by one percent every day, that is enough. Realizing these things has been a blessing because the old me would’ve fixated on a wasted opportunity because when will I ever have this kind of time again! The me today understands that I’ve gained a lot of valuable life perspectives I would’ve otherwise missed out on, and that is priceless.
The power is in the rewrite. Here’s to redefining priorities, embracing life, and healing out loud.
Xo-J
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